hey, it's just how I do it

last night I had a dream that I saw shiny. he was dating some new girl. someone he knew from CA. I could see that happening. seems like he's stuck there and in those people. it's funny, considering how loathe he is to think about the past (or the present or the future).
I hadn't been missing him much until today. I would rather not have dreamed about him. did you know that it's been nearly a year since I first met him? I can't believe it.
this year has already been better than 2010. I don't have a painful illness. I have a roommate that's around. the weather has been manageable (so far). I remembered to call for my niece's birthday. a lot of people have been wanting to hang out with me. I've been making things. I'm not stressed, though there is plenty to stress about.
but a part of me craves the quiet happiness I felt with shiny. it wasn't as good as I remember it to be. I know that much. I didn't like his inability to initiate communication. and I hated how beautiful things were that last weekend he came to see me. the weekend before thanksgiving, when he felt open and comfortable and exciting in ways he hadn't been before.
sometimes I hate him with a ferocity that makes my heart feel as though it's going to stop beating.
he restricted me on facebook. so I unfriended him. no word from him, just a sudden lack of access. not that I can blame him, really. but I hate how he loved me and then left. I hate so many people for having done that. it gets hard to forgive when the wound is still so fresh.
and he gets to pretend like I didn't exist, right?
oh, my ache of self-pity.
oh, woe is me, and my misery.
what a load of shit.

nights are the worst. they always have been. they are when I am alone and give myself time to think of these things. the time before I fall asleep, when it's just the darkness and me and all my thoughts to keep me company. this is the time when shiny used to call. this exact time. right now.
and I hate him for not calling now. and I hate him for everything he did and didn't do. there is no winning now. there is only loss.

shrug it off.
knock it off.
I trade kisses with my new roommate now. how much does that mean? I don't know. I take a different kind of comfort there. we have scant weeks before a third moves in, before my schedule is suddenly crushed by school and work, before all the stress comes hammering in on me. before everything changes.
how do we weather the weather we've never seen before?
there is no advice that can be given.
oh, take it one day at a time?
how the hell else can you take it?

shiny, if you're listening -- an apology would do nicely.

but only if it's done with understanding.