don't

summer seems so long ago. so simple and naive. I had all my plans laid out before me. love was in my hands. my future was clear.
I
knew
everything.

and then my mom died.

and then everything else died, too.

I am so angry. I'm angry at my mom for not trying harder with me. I'm angry at her friends and her husband for only seeing a narrow-sighted view of the situation. I'm angry with my sister because every time I want to tell her that I miss our mom, it feels like some kind of competition. I know she doesn't view it that way. but this is why I relate so well to her younger daughter. I know how she feels.
oh yes, I have always been sensitive. I know the long road ahead of my niece. I wish I could save her from it. but I can't. I just hope I can be there when she needs someone.
but ...

I remember the summer, and how it felt to feel like I was where I was supposed to be. things have shifted pretty badly since then. lately I've been missing my mom so much that it's been hard not to cry all the time. and I doubt everything that I feel. is it the medication? is this real?
it's hard not having her to call anymore.
angry.

angry at my friends for not being what I needed. angry at myself for not being stronger. angry at myself for feeling. for not feeling. sad and sad. confused. I miss shiny, and I know again that it's wound tightly in missing my mom. it will be a relief when I can separate the two. it will be a relief when I can miss one without thinking of the other.

don't lie to me.
just tell me you never really cared.