less disjointed than it sounds

I want to feel like something matters. like I matter. like someone matters to me. like I matter to someone.
I am reasonably content for now. but I don't feel much for anyone. I ache for shiny, and I despise it because I know the feeling isn't mutual. I miss his gentle smile. I miss his tenderness, even if it was just a show for me and not really felt by him.
I don't feel much of anything anymore.
I miss my mom. sometimes I cry. I cuddle with my roommate and I stretch to feel his fingers slide across my skin, but I don't feel much beyond the topical. I enjoy the time I spend with him, but it isn't love. I knew I loved shiny two weeks into us being together. that's usually how things work for me. I have been in love many times. and I love other people, but they are only friends. there is a distinction for me, and it's not just physical.
that's something I never understood about shiny. it seemed like all love was the same for him, just with different layers. but I can't be emotionally intimate until I've been physically intimate. shiny I don't think can be emotionally intimate ever.
why does it matter?
why do I miss him so much?
I'm not alone or lonely. I've been social the past few weeks. I've had my roommate's company. why do I long for a partner?
I want to be content while single. I want to not need that connection.
I want to be complete.
fuck.
I really miss my mom.
I don't think I would have talked to her about this, but honestly, I really don't know.