another suitable mental image

ever feel like taking a rusted corkscrew and spiraling it into your chest so you can impale your heart on its point and rip it out, leaving only a blood-spattered gaping hole behind? all arteries and veins dangling, fragmented bone poking out, and the lungs heavily panting as you examine your prize? the most scarred and broken part of your body, finally laid bare for you to see. finally you can discover what all the lamenting has been about. finally you can get some peace.
but there is no peace. the heart just keeps beating. and the hole throbs and aches in loneliness. blood pools and spills and makes a bigger mess of everything. how to react? how to reply? what to respond?
so much loss.
and there is no one to clean it up. no one to help. just you, and your dying prize, holding onto every breath. it is useless except to remind you of the pain. feels like its entire existence revolves around that. you are left with this wretched, twisted thing. left with a horrendous mess of your own doing. what were you thinking? why even bother trying to understand? why did you want to know what shape the scars made? what picture it would create? did you think the finely scattered lines could teach you something? did you think they would be like life lines, love lines, fate lines? did you want to read your heart like a palm? some scars as thick as a finger, others as delicate as spider webs. all of them painful. all with memories.

forget it. forget them. forgive? forgive. but how to forget? put the heart back, with the new future scar you gave it. the gaping, oozing wound. put it back, sew it up, pretend you never searched for something more. pretend you were content to just let it all lay where it fell. pretend you had some say in every thing that happened, and all the pain it caused.
because no one will ever understand why it was so important that you tried to understand. least of all you.
all that mess. just to understand.
you're all you've got.
you and that messy, useless, bleeding thing inside your chest.
you are alone.
don't ever forget that.