bury me

I don't know why I twist myself around like this. I feel so lost and alone so much of the time. today I finally sold some masks. today i started the finishing process of the one that was going to be my halloween mask. today I watched a show on my laptop and paint-paint-painted and I felt the sense of comfort that I used to revel in when school had first started and I had weird breaks in my days that let me come home in between classes and work. I would come home and hang out with my cat and work on masks and eat food and be alone in a way that I liked.
I don't remember anymore what it's like to have close friends. I don't remember what it's like to spend a platonic day with someone that doesn't ever get on my nerves.
I can still remember what it's like to love without hurt, even though that's not my situation anymore.
I liked things being uncomplicated.
well, I guess things aren't very complicated anymore, anyway.
I just hate how, for a brief period, I thought things would be good again. and I was imagining how my life would be, how I'd be seeing shiny again and he and chick would get to meet and I dunno. I was figuring out how it would all work. now I don't have to worry about that or anything, really. I don't have to worry about anyone.
chick spent the weekend in my bed and we didn't touch and I liked it that way. we cuddled a little. he made me food. he took care of me and it was nice to have the company but it somehow made me miss shiny more. I wish I could combine the two of them. all chick's compassion and all shiny's calm.
I don't know. I don't know anymore. I don't know anything anymore.