just getting it together

my friends always try to put shiny down, and I don't know why I continue to defend him. he isn't a bad person. he isn't malicious. he's one of the most intelligent people I know. seeing pictures of him or having him randomly mentioned still sends a twinge through my gut. I feel ragingly jealous when I think about him being happy without me, or having fun with someone else, or other such things. petty on my part.
but other than that, I don't feel much of anything anymore.
for anyone.
I have a crush on my new roommate, which is awkward but manageable. nobody knows. well, now you do. but I haven't actually talked to anyone about it. the sudden influx of interest people were showing in me died out as quickly as it came, and every one of those people was a flop. so yeah, it makes me miss shiny, but I wouldn't miss him as much if there was someone else to take his place.
that's what I tell myself. and sometimes it's true. and sometimes it's because of stupid shit: like how he was intuitively good at playing lego star wars. or his smile. or how he'd stroke my arm. or just how goddamn clever he was.
but it also feels like I make myself miss him, just for something to feel. an explanation for my emptiness, when really it's just always been there. I've never been happy solo. let's be honest here; I've never been happy at all.
I miss our bike rides. so what? I don't miss how shitty he was at communication, or starting conversation. I don't miss wondering the emotional walls he built all around himself. I don't miss the slump of his shoulders (especially when we were having sex) or how passionless he was about everything.
but ... how much does this matter anymore?
he hasn't initiated any contact with me since the last time I saw him. he hasn't responded to my last few attempts. he uses his interpretation of my words as an excuse to not talk to me. claims it's what he thinks I want, even though I haven't said that (and have, in fact, said the total opposite). and I wonder why I waste time thinking about this. and I wonder why it matters so much.
I guess because I really enjoyed the time I spent with him. and when we were together, there was no where else I wanted to be. in the past, that has been hard for me to find.
but things change, right?
I get angry at people for acting like people don't change, but here I am acting like I haven't changed. like because I used to let my eye wander, my devotion to shiny will never be found with someone else. but it happened once. it can happen again.
maybe I have changed.
I guess that's what I wanted. mutual devotion.
adoration.
joy.

I want right place, right person, right time.
I want the planets to align.

I want to find my little piece of forever.
I want faith.
I want love.

or lacking that, I want to be content with myself and being single.