it isn't poetry, just disjointed like it was in my brain

I can be cruel
but my cruelty is intentional
unlike some people
who lead me on
because they felt inspired
by a comic book.

inspired to believe in love
that they cannot actually feel
just because it seemed
like a good idea
at the time.

I used the phrase:
"miserable and alone and basically a failure"
and felt bad about it
but not bad enough
to not hit send.

everyone that hurts me
gets hurt in return.
sometimes I get to do the hurting.
sometimes they do it themselves.
and sometimes,
just sometimes,
it's a combination of the two.

the worst part about hurting someone is not knowing the pain you have caused.
I bleed from every wound I've ever inflected on someone else.
I punish myself more soundly than anyone could ever punish me.
and in the end, it still doesn't matter.

I would have made a great martyr.

sometimes I wonder if he doesn't have it right by doing the coward thing, the emotionless thing, the alone thing. sometimes I wonder if his way of living isn't better. never looking ahead, never looking behind, just being where you are. making the same mistakes over and over and over ... I can do that anyway, even with the fore- and hind-sight.
I just want to grow into someone better. be part of something bigger.
I can't seem to stop getting hung up on these little stupid things.

sometimes I hate myself so much that it's tangible.