when the changes cancel each other out, is that spectrum analysis too?

I know I should go to sleep but I just don't want to yet.
I scrubbed the ink from my fingers with a nail brush. I didn't need to, I just wanted to see if I could. I kept finding residue amid the lines of my hands. every time I thought I'd got it all, I would find more. small stamps of the passage of black. tiny memories in my cuticle bed. still nothing compared to the mess I left on the plastic over the table. a whole swampland of india ink.
for some reason, I have really been missing shiny this evening. this morning. it's always worst at night, in my bed, alone. the day is fine. but I still find myself bringing him up.
"I'm done with him," I told anu. "you've said that before."
"but this time is different. I've probably said that before, too. but I mean it."
how different is different?
well, I have a date tomorrow.
that's pretty different.
I want someone who thinks I'm more than cute and will tell me. I want someone who feels inspired by me. and will tell me. I want someone who loves to look at me (and will tell me). I want someone who likes my brain and how it works [and will tell me]. Do you see what I'm getting at? communicate the adoration, not just feel it.
I still miss him, and I hate it, but it gets easier the longer I go without hearing from him. The longer it goes with no response.
I'm simultaneously angry and sad. complacent and rebellious.
I don't chase people anymore, right?
it just ... I guess it stopped being worth it.
and there is so much more to love than the pursuit.
there is so much more to a relationship than waiting to see not when, but if the other person will call.
he was such a jerk to me.
he was such a jerk, and I knew it, and I just hoped it would change.
but I need to accept that what he could give me is not what I need.
I know what I was thinking by getting into all of it.
What I still don't understand
is what was he thinking?

that's the cruelest part of all:
why'd he have to drag me down, too?
and why the hell did I let him?

I let hope run me into the ground. Now I have to ride it back up.
how can good things turn out to be so bad?
how can bad things lead to such good?
I don't know, I don't know, but they do.