it still hurts

if I was gonna be honest, I'd have to say that I still wish I'd hear from shiny.
I still feel sick from missing him. I still don't understand. and some part of me still wants him to call me and woo me and want me. some part of me still wants him more than anyone else.
and I want him to apologize, and explain that he realizes his behavior was fucked up and hurtful. I want to know what he was thinking and I want to know what he thinks now. but I know it doesn't matter and I should just let go again. I should forget about him.
it's so hard, though, when everyone else is even more disappointing than he was.
the fact remains that I love him.
but other facts remain, too.
you know, all the ones that keep him away from me.
the ones that are doing it now.
I get so melancholy.
I wish he was everything he seemed like he'd be.
I wish he was everything he let me believe.