invisible lungs

lonely tonight. still can't get used to it. been shaking lately; the kind where you feel your whole body quivering and nothing makes it stop. hold out my hand, watch the quaking of my fingers; tiny tremors that scare me.
is it:
-medication?
-stress?
-sleep deprivation?
-depression?
-anxiety?
-left over physical symptoms of grief?

what? what ARE you?

they go away gradually. I don't even notice, until suddenly I realize my heart doesn't feel heavy anymore. my chest is normal, not clenched like a fist squeezing clay. I am no longer malleable. I am human. I am alive.

then I ride my bike home and marvel at how easily I ride. and when I am happy, I think of him. I wish I could have been a strong rider when we were together. I wish a lot of things, but this is no fairy tale. wishes don't get granted. they only make things hurt.

lonely and I don't know who to call. tired of professing self-pity. tired of feeling superfluous.

sometimes I still feel like the past six months have been a dream and I will wake up in my loft and ex-otter will be sleeping on the futon beneath me and I'll do like I used to and hang my head down and watch him breathe. his beautiful face. beautiful chest, with his ribs expanding as the air goes in and then contracting as the air goes out. beautiful beautiful, because I loved him.

the best beauty is the beauty only you can see.