draining the river

sitting in the dark, eating chocolate. oh my god, it is so beautiful out today. gonna sit on the roof and paint pictures. gonna sit on the roof and not think of anyone. gonna sit on the roof and just be.
and yeah, I've been talking about you. but it hasn't been so bad. I saw a guy with a bike sitting on a bench. he was wearing an orange cap. I thought it could be you. I didn't investigate.
what if you'd seen me, hung over and disoriented? I know I look good; people keep checking me out. Yeah, physically, my body looks good. what if you'd seen me in such a state of sex-appeal and spacey? would you have been sad that I seemed self-destructive (it's within reason, it's allotted, allocated)? would you have been glad you left me those long months ago?
I don't know. I still am not there. I still don't think this is for the best, but I'm doing what I can to be ok. No, that doesn't mean drinking and smoking and fucking. Those are peripheral. Those aren't of the nature of nurture. Those are for fun, not to fix.
My life is not ruled by these things. My life is ruled by school and work and doing alright. That other stuff? It's just there to kill a little time. It's there to feel good about the things I couldn't do before. It's there to remind me what "normal" is. It's there to be there to be there.
And I could stop it. I do sometimes. And I could make it heavier. I don't. And I could be consumed. I'm not.
Gonna grab my paints and gonna sit on the roof. Gonna dream of a dream that was last night. Gonna be fine and content and a bit hung over. Gonna drink so much water I overflow.
But not in a bad way.
Gonna flush my system out. And maybe that's what the sex does. Gonna flush my system of you.