numb secret

dreamt about him last night. all my friends were betraying me by secretly interacting with him. one had a band with him in it. I found out that he was living with his new girlfriend. though unsurprised, I was still angry.
in real life, I would be unsurprised. not too angry, though. just sad.
when he left me, I was finally at the point where I felt I would be ready to live with him. I was going to ask him to move in. he smothers. he finds you, and envelopes you, and sucks your life, and yet expects his total independence. he is a commitment freak without actually committing. how does that make sense?
it wasn't a good dream last night. it was full of struggles, and fantasy, and anger, and pain. insurmountable obstacles. unknown protagonists. unseen.
I don't feel as affected by it today as I normally would. I woke up in a sweat, like I have been since the weather turned. I woke up in a sweat and was relieved. I already assume he's living with her, because he was living with me in all but lease when we were together. I know he's been lying to himself and to others. and I don't think his roommate would be trying to hang out with me if ex-otter was still at the house all the time.
and yes, part of me wants to know. but mostly I just want him cut from my life like the eye of a potato. planted, unseen, growing, unknown until dug for.
I do not wish to dig.