so much more than this

I have been heavy with memories, but not in the way I usually am. I miss shiny. Somewhere, in my brain, we are still together. and other parts of my brain are embarrassed by the part that refuses to move on. He had many qualities that I admire and desire, and others that I was willing to overlook. It's so rare that I meet someone that I feel like I can actually accept. but maybe I didn't really accept him. I just accepted what I thought he was.
I don't know why I can't shake this. I want to pull this need out of my brain. I want to poke a hole in my head and yank it out like a magician pulls a scarf from a sleeve. I know this is wrapped up in so much more than just one person, or two people. I know this goes back further than I can see. and I know, and have been told, that I can't be happy with someone until I'm happy with myself. I wonder what it would be like to be truly single and unencumbered by the needs of someone else. it feels like I never last that long. even now, I am in some kind of not-really-pseudo-relationship with my roommate. we aren't together but allow our decisions to be tempered by each other.
I don't want him. I just want to feel someone's arms around me. I want to feel nurtured and loved and wanted. I want and want and want and it gets me nowhere.
I want to stop wanting.
or at least stop wanting people that don't want me.