wants in a river that you can't stop flowing

I don't feel as confused as I think I should.
I keep having dreams about people that have left me.
I keep kissing my roommate.
I keep composing letters in my head that I want to send shiny, or emails I want to send buttercup. but I don't. I can't write them or type them or see the words in front of me. I think of perfect, simple things to say and then I do not say them.
I don't want to be rejected again.
and when it comes down to it, if they wanted to hear from me ... well .. they would call. or write. or initiate some kind of contact. right?
I want to scream out to everyone: I AM DIFFERENT NOW. but maybe I'm not. I could still be the selfish, self-centered dramatic person that I've always been. or maybe I've never really been that bad. or maybe it's a combination of many things.
I still am envious of people who can be stable and consistently do things. I am envious of those who for whom life is steady. I am not one of those people. I have never been. I will never be, no matter how badly I want that.
there are deep cracks that run through me and separate the "want" from the "is." I guess that's common. but I actively feel them, and I don't think that's something everyone can do.
I hate hate hate that people don't make sense.
I hate hate hate that most don't even try.
and I hate hate hate how, despite it all, I am still desperately in love with shiny.
and I still want to hear from buttercup so badly.
I still miss them so much.
but some people never come back.
I wish that I could turn off this desire.
I want to make peace with my past.
I want to be silent.
but the past never shuts up.