letter in limbo

caught hard between letting go and hanging on. type-type-typed a letter to shiny but I haven't mailed it yet. it's all stamped and addressed and ready to go. it's in my bag, with my bills and my rent. it's waiting for me to drop it in the slot. I don't know if I'll do it.
it says "I love you and I want you." it accuses and soothes and bounces from here to there. it infers and asks. it wants to know why why why I wasn't enough.
I hate that I even want to know.
It says "because someone else fell in love with me and I couldn't love him back the same way, I understand better what happened with you and me." paraphrased. that this gives me hope in some ways.
other parts of me know that this is pointless. know that nothing will come of it. but I can't help but hope for more than that.
if I send the letter.
in the mean time, I've taken males off my menu.
of course, the past three times I've done that, I've ended up dating men.

ha. ha. ha.