it's a wish that can't be granted

There are times when I feel empty, but not the way I used to. I don't feel incomplete. I've gotten used to being single. I feel empty the way an air bubble in a sticker is empty. There is nothing in it, but it still remains solid.
like the tattoo on the back of my neck. the circle that is broken but remains whole.
I used to like telling people what my tattoos meant. now I feel silly, probably because I've had some of them for over ten years now. the meaning hasn't changed, and I still believe in them strongly, but they've become more deeply personal than before. My first tattoo, the one that depicts a connection of mind-body-spirit, wisdom through change, and eternity; I always feel silly trying to explain it. Maybe because it feels trite but to me it has so many old things wrapped up in it. my suicide attempt, my decision to stop cutting, all the feelings surrounding those events, and my desire to do what that girl told me the night I spent at LAX -- "be whole."
That has resonated with me over the past 11 years. Be whole.
I don't know if I'll ever get there. I am trying. I have been trying for a long time, and I'm not convinced it's a journey that has an end. Maybe that's what I mean by empty. There is a layer of me with nothing in it. Like a scar that feels the pressure but not the pain. There is that dead part of me, where I place the things that I cannot deal with. My mom's death, all the loss of people I love and have loved, the way I've had to redefine myself throughout my struggle with medication. I hate dependence. I hate addiction. but aren't I addicted to prozac? Haven't I been addicted to other things?
All my addictions have been prescribed and carefully regulated.
I don't like who I am without them.
I want to feel like me without medical intervention.
I want to be stable without help.