I have been struggling over what to say if I were to write to shiny. I could copy/paste some entries from here. or I could just write and say, "I miss you." I have thought about letters I would type, or pictures I would draw, or any number of things. but I haven't done any of it.
the thing that stops me is realizing that I'm not sure what I hope to accomplish by writing to him. it just seems like some kind of stupid melodramatic ploy to talk to him again, and I can't see much good coming out of that. it would just end the same way it did before. we would start to talk again, and I would be simultaneously comforted and tortured, and then we would hang out, and I'd spend the whole time pretending that I didn't want to be with him all the while knowing that he felt nothing for me.
it just seems self-defeating. we haven't talked at all in over two months. why should I break that now?
I think I'm probably just lonely and he was the closest to my ideal person that I've ever met.
I know I'm not as damaged as I used to be.
but I still have so far to go.
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