I lost my words

I miss reciprocated romance.
I miss wanting someone as badly as they want me.
I miss not holding back.
I miss being in love versus just feeling love for someone.
I miss shiny.
I miss not missing shiny.
I guess I want all that fantasy shit, with being happily pursued then whispering secrets in the dark and making myself tired just so I can cram more hours in with the person of my desire. I miss feeling like I'm on an even level with someone. I miss learning from someone's example. I miss feeling accepted, no matter what. and I miss open honesty and trust. I miss trusting someone so very very much.
I am so tired of how things are. this not-relationship with my roommate needs to end. I feel like I'm holding off until he moves out. it's easier that way. It's a logical break. but I can't keep doing things the way I have been. he's getting attached and I'm beginning to go the opposite direction. I'm starting to resent him.
I miss women.
I think about von a lot, and how different my relationship with her was from any of the men I've dated. I think about the other women I've been with, too. they've all been nurturing, and soft, and understanding. they've been patient. all the men I've loved have had similar qualities. ex-husband did. so did ex-otter and, to some extent, shiny. but ex-otter and shiny also had selfish, self-serving qualities that ex-husband and the women lacked.
it's such a different dynamic, being with a woman.
I want things to feel equal.
I want to settle down with someone.
I am so tired of playing around.