still not awake.

I want to cut myself into pieces. one by one they leave -- mother, brother, lover.
I feel nothing in between my crying fits. just empty and confused and feeling like I'm the butt of some horrible joke. like the universe wants to see how much shit it can pile on me before I collapse. before I kill myself. I don't know.
my strength wavers. I do nothing. won't give it the satisfaction.
I guess this is just about survival now. this isn't living: it's just not dying.
I was happy with him.
I thought I'd reached the end of my search. but he says he can't imagine a happy future together. he says that breaking up with me feels wrong, but not as wrong as staying with me.
I hate this. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.
I hate the pointlessness. I hate how I can't imagine finding anyone else as close to perfection as he is. I hate that I even feel that way.
my friend asks, "can you be single for a while?" and I reply, "of course. I don't want to date anyone other than him. That's what makes this suck more. I was really happy with him."
I thought I'd found my happy ending, but really it was just an ellipse between stories. Can't stop reading over the last chapter. don't want to turn the page.
I don't want to see how the story ends.