you know where the meandering ends? I can't see it. draw me a picture.

writing works so nicely in conjunction with music. the feeling flows into me, stirs what has settled, and helps it pour out in the form of words.
I told you I'd miss you, and a few weeks ago you would have tenderly replied, "I'll miss you, too." instead you just kind of laughed and I quickly moved onto our goodbyes before it got awkward.
thing is, I don't know if you would have felt awkward. this is so straightforward to you, on the surface of what you let yourself acknowledge. you care about me, so you call me. but who else do you call? who else do you talk to even half as often as you talk to me? not your best friends, dear. they didn't know about me but I knew all about them.
longevity a relationship does not make.
I mean, you know that.
I know it from first hand experience. A 14 year friendship gone because of what? I don't even know. Because I spewed out how I felt instead of taking the time to explain it.
summer to summer and all throughout it, my heart has been slowly crumbling. you held it together for a while, but it's inevitable that it would eventually get back to decaying.
the things that keep me alive aren't for me. they are for other people. I stay alive for my sister, and for my roommate, because of how awful things would be for them if I died. I stay alive because I don't want people to feel guilty for having killed me with neglect. I stay alive because I don't want to hurt anyone. even though it's hurting me.
sometimes I'm a little jealous of my mom. she finally got to escape her pain. no more walking backwards down the stairs because she couldn't bend her knee. no more swollen ankles. no more hoarse throat or missing voice. no more acid reflux. no more coughing. no more aching joints, or puckered scars, or pins through bone. no more experimental shots or handfuls of pills just to gain some relief. sometimes I hope to get sick just so I can die. so that I can die guilt-free. so everyone will have something to blame it on other than themselves.
I have lost so much this past year. people that I never expected to lose. what more can I possibly do that I haven't already done? nothing. there's nothing.
I reach out and nothing grasps my hand.
I reach out and am silently slapped away.
I didn't know that being true to myself would make so many people turn away. it's too late now. there is no retribution.

like always, this has taken a different turn. I miss my brother, and my mother, and my lover. I miss my former best friends and former good friends, and former long-term acquaintances.
I've done what I could do. if it isn't enough, then it ceases to be my problem. I can't give people what I don't know they need. I tried telling my niece that. "You need to tell people what you need and what you feel, because they can't read your mind. even the things that seems so obvious to you aren't that way to other people."

I'm so tired of being sad.
everything is in the process of change. I have so many major adjustments to make. people say that we are never given what we can't handle. I disagree. people cease handling their shit all the time. that's a break down. that's a suicide.

I just don't want to hurt anyone.

I just want everyone to be alright.

I'm trying to remember again how to be alone.