just sayin'

sometimes I'm glad he left, but mostly I want him back, and always, always, always do I miss him.

it hurts so much because, in my mind, we had such a quiet and beautiful future. simple, supportive, nurturing, honest. but I don't think he was entirely honest with me. I don't anymore. and I know there were things he wasn't telling me. otherwise this would not have come as such a shock.
I thought I was being paranoid, thinking he would break up with me, so I put it out of my head. that's nothing new. I frequently fear for the worst and then talk myself down. this isn't a matter of ignoring my gut. it's that there are some times when I know I'm right and other times where I'm not sure. probably because the other person isn't sure. he wasn't sure. he thinks he is now, though.
he is stubborn. so stubborn. not as bad as others. but when there is something where his mind is made up- then it's hard to change it. life hurt less when I was the one calling the shots. but you open yourself up to others and you invite the risk of damage. I love him. I want him. but there's nothing else for me to do.
and if he reads this, I think he'll shake his head (even if not externally, then the feeling that motion expresses will be felt). I am a lost cause. I am a romantic. I believe there is someone for me. maybe I made myself believe it was him. maybe there are many people for me. I seem to be going down the list. maybe the next one will stick.
I don't want to go back to how I was before I met him. I don't want to sleep around and use others to validate my existence. I was happy with shiny. I liked our monogamy. I liked the security. I liked feeling like me again. I liked just being me.
I liked not feeling like a predator.
trying hard now, consciously, to continue to be that way. the truth is that I still don't think there's anyone for me in this city. I'm not looking anymore. not anywhere. in providence or boston or online. I found who I wanted. now there's just waiting for this sensation to go away.
how long will it take?
I don't know. it's an equation with no answer. impossible to predict.

please come back to me.