why couldn't you stay?

one of my library friends came over tonight and brought me cake. I walked her downstairs and before she left, she asked if she could pray for me. I said yes, so she took my hand and spoke a prayer.
I got that feeling in my chest that I used to get when I would ... well ... when I would have spiritual encounters. When I talked to dru after he died. when I would use visualization as a way to heal people or myself. it's a kind of lifting. a lightness, but still full-feeling. it was really nice.
I don't believe in god, but I do believe in the healing power of faith, whatever that faith may be. I believe in visualization. I believe that if you can convince yourself that something will happen and see that it already has happened, then it will.

This goes back to shiny, now. I think one of the reasons that the break up has been so hard for me is because I did visualize us as together. it faltered sometimes. I doubt myself. I doubt others. I lose my confidence. but I had convinced myself that this was going to work. that's what happened with ex-otter, too. I thought we would be together til death. I thought that the shit we were going through in the present would eventually not matter because we would work it out in the future.

for so long I was the one that did the breaking-up. for so long, I was the one that didn't really try hard enough. now that I am, I'm discovering how it must have felt for those people to whom I said goodbye. of course, the last laugh is always on me because when I want to get back in contact with them, they refuse.
I want to look forward and see something. I want to regain that sense of fullness that I felt when that prayer was said. I want to really feel like things will be ok. I want my mom to not be dead. I want shiny to come home to me.
I had such wonderful fantasies. so many plans.
it doesn't matter now. they go the way of all my past dreams. soon I won't remember them. soon it will just be journal entries to read over. five months isn't very long. I was looking forward to it being so much longer.
I was looking forward to our life.
the problem is that he didn't see it the way that I did.
the problem is that he wasn't ready, but I was.