went to my bed at 9pm last night. read for an hour, then wrote an email to buttercup. he rarely replied when we were on good terms. why would he start now?
woke up earlier than I'd like today. hurt my shoulder doing nothing. wrote an email to shiny. expressed my concern with him basing the future of our relationship on the past stress-filled month. I'm sure it's more than that. but what about all the promises we made to each other for better communication? what about everything?
I don't know. maybe I ask for too much.
I don't know how to make things better when I don't know what's wrong.
I don't know what to do with myself.
life doesn't feel real anymore. this is a slow-motion crash. I'm not crying myself to sleep every night or crying myself awake. this is a more mature sort of suffering. this is a longer-reaching loss. as much as I loathe to admit it, it was good that ex-otter left me. maybe not the way he did, or how he treated me afterwards, but we weren't really right for each other.
what about shiny?
I mean, if he doesn't think we are then we must not be. it takes the decision of two.
in my brain, we mostly are. in his brain, the part that isn't right for each other trumps the part that is.
I prefer a majority rule. there's no such thing as unanimous when it comes to love. there's always a piece that doesn't fit. there's always something that rubs. the trick is to be aware of it and to let the other person know, too. that's my philosophy. the trick is to stick with it.
I just want this out in the open. maybe we shouldn't be together. ok. but I'd prefer it if we were.
and maybe this will take a long time.
I'm so sad. I don't know what to do.
I understand more than I admit.
There are so many things that can't be acknowledged right now.
I just need my piece of comfort. right now I have so little.
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