it's just the way it is

tired. not "bone-tired" or anything so trite. Just tired. sleep-deprived. bored with dealing with life. nothing matters right now. nothing feels like it matters.
late to work. some tiny inner part of me cares but most of me says "so what?"
tiny twinges of guilt worm their way to my brain, saying "hey. you used to give a damn."
some day I will again. just not today.
trying hard not to draw myself into a shell. trying hard to stay in touch with things. difficult when people don't reach through my defenses to touch me. difficult when they take me at face value.
let's just say -- I have no face. everything seen is a lie.
I am so angry. I feel nothing. I am so angry. nothing matters.
try to find the root of the cause.
dead mom trumps everything.
dead mom wins the hand.