death revisited

My ex-girlfriend's best friend's dad died. When Von and I visited her hometown, we stayed with her best friend and his family. His dad was smart, and kind, and funny, and gentle and I liked him a lot.
I am crying, I was sobbing, and I feel bad because it's not just because he died. It's because of dru, and ex-otter, and all these things that remain unresolved. Life is so messy and complicated. I screamed my tears out and now I feel drained. I scared Luca away with my crying. Usually she stays and licks my face, but this time the emotion was just too violent. I couldn't keep it in check.
I called Von and left her a message. Don't know if it made much sense. I hate death. I hate these deaths that leave the people around them mired in wreckage. I can't believe he's dead. I can't believe that people I know can die. I don't want to be desensitized to this like I once was. But it's so paralyzing to feel this.

Before dru died, death didn't touch me. I just didn't understand. Now I feel it every time I hear about death. It's painful and I am scared to shut it off. I don't want to be how I used to be; but sometimes it's incapacitating to feel everything so deeply and personally. I am not who I once was. How can I get to who I'm going to be?

Who do I have to reach out to? Various people, right? But no one to hold me and stroke my head and whisper to me and tell me it will be alright so that I actually believe. Not like that was ex-otter anyway. It was my ex-husband that could do that. But he's in a better situation now; he has more than what I could give. I think that I am happy for him. I hope I find that someday, too.

I need to do something; go somewhere; take my mind off of this. Or at least allow me to focus it differently. I have nothing else to say right now that wouldn't just repeat every entry I've ever made.