another night in someone else's bed

Last night I had vivid dreams. My sister was trying to kill me. She kept taking apart guns and making them smaller. When I ran, she calmly told me that I was merely giving her a better shot. I could imagine how the bullet would feel as it pierced my back. I was terrified. My father supported her decision. For some reason it was ok to kill me because I was on medications. I refused to stop taking them.
I also dreamed that I walked into the Elm and ex-otter was sitting at the bar. He looked angry that I was there. I was very calm, and smooth, and he glowered at me. Later I wrote to him and asked if we could get back together. He agreed, saying it was what he wanted. I doubted him, and made him repeat that he wanted to be with me. As I walked alone, thinking about it, I realized that I wasn't ready yet to be in a relationship again. I needed him to be single for a while and figure out his shit. Then I would be ready to dedicate myself to him. Frequently in my dreams of him, I find some way to belittle him for the choice he made in leaving me and dating deafgirl. It gets tiring.
When I was awake in bed, half-dreaming, I thought of how different things would have been if dru had died the first time he overdosed. It was in December. I went to the hospital with ex-otter and met his parents for the first time. At that point his father blessed his good fortune for having caught dru when he was passed out. Had he been any later, dru would have died. But what if he HAD died? I think ex-otter would not have left me at that time. He didn't know deafgirl at that time. I would have been the new girl to take his pain away, instead of the reminder of bad times that I became. But would their parents have been ready to deal? His overdose gave them months to prepare for the worst. Did it work? It didn't with ex-otter.

These dreams get old and worn out. I feel pale and thin, like paper that's been erased too many times. Where do these anxieties come from? Why did I dream about someone pursuing me sexually; someone I couldn't understand and didn't feel any interest for? Why am I depressed? Why do I get so lonely?
Some days that old feeling returns. I want to go to sleep and live there instead of waking up and dealing with people. These people with their demands and accusations. They wear me down. People with their poor communication and poor understanding. People that don't give me a chance to get things right. I don't like this life. I don't like where I am and I don't like how I feel.

I miss feeling like an integral part of someone's life. I miss having that constant ear at the ready. I will not have that again for a long time.
I dreamt I could get over ex-otter but when I woke up I realized by the dream that now is not the time.
It gets easier, yes, but it doesn't go away.
This is a lesson to be learned. It is chronic pain; like the ache in my shoulders that I've learned to ignore. Or the sore muscles in my legs from riding my bike. They are a part of life. They are a part of my life.

Imagine the day all the pain is gone. I think the trick is to find something greater than the pain. Right now it is still impossible for me to imagine that.