up too late again; damn my active brain

I have been thinking again about celibacy. I am realizing how I use men to fulfill me. I am realizing that it only works for so long.
Thinking about ex-otter has been hurting less lately.
I remember telling Puppy that I would be ready to date for my 29th birthday. He seemed sad that it would be so long. My 29th birthday is 9 months away. I don't know if that will be long enough. I should take more time than that. Steel was a good trial run. I'm glad he's not been stripped from my life. However, I would like to stop making exceptions.

"I want someone that doesn't eat meat, smoke, drink heavily, do drugs, or smoke pot regularly."
"That sounds like all the same category: meat and drug vices." I never thought of it that way. They are kind of inseparable to me, those things. How did Nik sum up years of decisions into one category? One thing I used to say was that I didn't want anyone who was or had been addicted to anything. I think it would be a good idea for me to reinstate that.
Do you have any idea how difficult it is to find someone that fits those categories? I have only ever dated one person that did, and I married him. Why the fuck did I ever leave him?

Oh yeah. The trust thing.

I lament, I mourn, I whine, I moan. I think it would be good if I got used to the idea of being alone for a long long time. Alone, Steel. Not lonely.

I guess there is a difference.