just a different feeling

I wish I could go back to a time when I did not love you. Go back to when your roommate and I first met. I wish I could un-meet him, and therefore never meet you at all. I would give up all that I have learned from you. Were it not for you, I'd probably have stayed single. Like I said then, there is no one in this city that I can imagine being with. There is no one else for me but you.
But if I could go back to 20 months ago, and keep us from ever having met, I think that we both would only benefit. I wouldn't have a broken heart. You wouldn't be a scumbag.
I've spent today in an altered state. I've entirely kept myself from being who I was. I've had a chance to think about things without having the anxiety to blame. And I miss you. I know it's no good; it festers and bubbles because there is nothing now to miss. I still love you and it colors every thing I do. Why didn't you just let me leave you all those times I tried? I stayed because you asked me to. But when you left me and I begged for you to stay, you ignored me. That's how we were. Never fair.
I still want you to understand. I still think that you can't, or won't. I still think you're not who you are; you've been changed and molded into something else. But I still miss your hands, and your eyes, and your voice. I miss your laugh. I don't know what else to say.

You left me and it changed the world.
Will this ever make sense in a way that stays? I'm tired of having understanding that comes and goes.

"What has to happen in order for you to forgive?"
"I need an apology."
Yeah.
Yes.