I felt like it was important that I write.

I felt my heart seize up when I thought I saw a picture of him. I suppose that's as sure a sign as any that I'm not ready to move on. The idea of starting a new relationship without the pain of heart ache is a new one to me. Well, not the idea. The practice. And it's so hard.
I am half in love with Steel, and I go back and forth. I am half hung up on ex-otter, but don't realize it until reminded. Lately people have been mentioning him to me. I get bitter out of habit. I don't even feel it that much anymore.
But every time I'm on my bike, I think of him. Every time I do anything related to bicycles, I think of him. Whenever I see a car from 82, whenever I hear the diesel rattle, I make sure it isn't him. "I saw ex-otter's deaf girlfriend last night," someone said to me. Yeah. "He knows sign language and everything. Did he know that before?" No. But I'm not surprised. He gets so drawn into things. Once upon a time, I was one of those things.
He wasn't anxious til he knew my anxiety. He wasn't deaf til he met her.
There are different kinds of not hearing. His is a very special case.

I may have made heart ache a part of my personality. It's hard to let it go. I need to forgive but I can't. I don't know how without an apology. Without acknowledgment.
I feel like, after four years, I've finally reached the point that I can feel joy for my ex-husband and his girlfriend. I think about the fun we used to have and our closeness and I hope that they have that too; but better. I think they do. I think they do and it makes me very happy for him. I want their animosity towards me to go away. I want to be friends.

So many wants in our lives. So many needs. So many people get hurt by our actions. Our inaction. Our words.
So much miscommunication; so much pain. Mistrust, distrust, misplaced trust.

I miss having a sure thing.