first a time, then a nothing

I love your eyes; they kill me. Them and the gap behind the canine on the ride side of your jaw. You look like you have an under bite, but you don't. You look like a lot of things that you're not.
Hey. I had a dream about ex-otter last night. He admitted to cheating without cheating. He admitted to his trespasses. It was a bit of a relief when I woke up, even if I knew it wasn't true. I saw some of his old roommates today. I asked about the house, then stopped myself. Things have changed. The people who loved that house the most are gone. I wonder what happened there. I wonder, then stop.
I still miss him, but it feels so useless. It's a habit now. It's a habit to love someone that I used to share something with. It's a habit to not let go. This is me. I am fiercely loyal; so much that I don't know how to let go. So much that I can't.
"Still single."
He may never understand what he has done. How about you, Steel? Why do you still text me? Why do you call? What do you get out of this? I appreciate it, but I don't understand. I love you, but I don't. You are so beautiful. You are so beautiful that I forget in between the times that I see you. When I look at your face, I get burned again. I see spots for hours. I miss you.
Not too much. But enough to notice.
I drank tonight and dressed ridiculously and pranced around for a crowd. It was a cabaret. It was acting. You would have liked it. We would have fucked later.
Now I'm alone in my apartment listening to fireworks from multiple locations. I want them to shut up. I want to fall asleep. I want someone in my bed, to share with me. To wake up next to. There is no one. I miss having someone near.