next to last ditch effort/ before the storm of me

hitchhiking across the states so I can figure out what I want at home. away from everything, I can see: I want more than what I've been giving. sex is not enough; nor the right direction. I have suspected as much. I need love.
using physical attraction as a substitute for emotions. using men to feel better about myself. letting myself be used. I have grown tired. I do not want my body to rule my mind. I no longer wish to be less than what I am.

I want to be in love again.

it's hard still, because ex-otter invades my brain. Today I turned to bones and said, "I miss him." she rubbed my back and we talked a little. it helped. "I still think about him at least once a day. usually more." this sounds familiar. who else did this to me? oh, the one when I was 18. when california killed me.
I want to be in love again. at the same time, I am scared. I'm terrified of commitment. there is good reason for this. look at california. look at ex-husband. look at brit. look at ex-otter. look at steel. look at my own father. there are so many men that have hurt me. there are so many men that have lied. can't someone help me to break this pattern? I want to. I want to so badly.

four men. each equally distant. each that I would be happy to date, if they could only say so. rare. shark. gij. lizard. I hear from none of them. pack it up, baby. move on. if they can't even commit to communication, what can they commit to outside of themselves?

Oh. I am exhausted.

what's that phrase? "looking for love in all the wrong places?" at least I've only had sex with one of them. hell, I haven't even kissed lizard. what the fuck.
it's time to lay down my weary/wary head. it's time to let my heart rest. champagne and sun and loss and love. champagne and touch and sigh and bed. tonight I sleep in a new place. like last night. like tomorrow. the difference between this and any other night at home? I sleep alone.