my monkey's paw

maybe all I'll ever be is some cat who wants everything without having to give anything
maybe I'll only ever be some selfish ass who blames external forces for their misery instead of their own self-destructive spiral
maybe I'll never find someone to suit me because I will only ever want what I do not have
but I don't think that's true
and this has been a hellish year
and I started it sick
and my mom died
and I had my heart broken
and I realized how alone I have made myself
and I missed three weeks of school
and I delayed my graduation
and I keep trying to take care of myself but somehow it's never enough
I am never well
and I swear that after this malady, after this ache is gone, then things will be ok, no matter what
because how can it be any other way?
sometimes the only way I can muster hope is through the thought that this will end
this will pass
and I remember stories of people who have been reunited with lost loves or friends tens of years after a fight
and I hope that happens to me.
that all these people that are missing from my life will somehow return
but I don't know.
maybe I'm better off without them.
I don't think so.
maybe it's more that they're better off without me.
I get sick of my own instability. I imagine it's ever worse from the outside.
but I still dream about them
and about reconciliation
sometimes complete, but usually partial
and I dream about my mother
asking her for advice I don't really need
and I think back on this year, this horrible year,
with more bad days than good
and I realize that the majority of the good days came in those few months that I was with shiny
that he was the only glimmer in this year of darkness
and without him I don't know if it would have been better or worse
because what is a hole without the comparison of the ground?
but how would I have handled anything without the support I found in his presence?
there's no way to know now.
no way to know anything.

my mom's birthday is in two days.
she would have been 60.
eleven years ago, without a phone call, I would have been dead on the same day.
these wicked deaths.
last year I said that I looked forward to the day when I thought of november 19 as my mom's birthday rather than the anniversary of my suicide attempt.
well, that day has come.
I wish I could take it all back.

I wish the universe had found another way to change that day for me.