I want to know where this is going but am scared to find the answer

on friday he came to see me like he used to. met me at 3:30 at my apartment. we hugged and went inside and we so nicely behaved.
dinner. and then to see some music.
I touched him, but I tried to not do it too much. it's hard for me to be near him and not touch. it was .. you know .. nothing sexual. I poked his leg. his arm. thumb-wrestled. leaned on his shoulder. he played back a little.
that night he beckoned me to lay beside him on the couch under my bed. I did. he put his arms around me. he held me. I tried to think nothing of it. I tried not to analyze his every movement. tried not to determine what it meant.
we kept cuddling. so close. so warm. playful. I kept my brain at neutral. I wanted more but wouldn't pursue it. self-control. a rarity. but I wanted to keep him near and knew I couldn't let go if I wanted him to stay.
we went to bed. he said he was cold and held me tightly, curled his body around mine. something happened. it was a slow progression. it was movement and warmth. it was fingers and palms. it was a delicious tension that I hadn't felt since the first time we ever connected physically.
it started happening again, and I stopped him, and I said, "what are you doing?"

and we talked a little.
and we tried to calm our breathing.
but I felt his heart beating so heavily against me.
the warmth of his mouth.
his alternating soft and hardness pressed against and around me.
I suppose we must have slept at some point. but I woke up only a few hours later and took back all of my convictions.

he said, "sometimes it feels like I have a different brain."
he said, "sometimes I love you and sometimes my brain doesn't love you."
and I said that you can't predict emotions.
I said, "most of the time I love you but sometimes I think I hate you. maybe sometimes I do hate you."
because it's true. sometimes I do.

the polar opposites. one extreme blends into another. so cold it burns. but does heat ever freeze? can hate turn into love anywhere outside of hollywood?
I don't know. one passionate moment leads to another.
and I love him. and I told him. and for the first time it felt like he was talking about himself, saying things that he hadn't told anyone else. telling me things about how he felt.
in the morning, he pulled me to him, he did things to me that he didn't used to initiate quite so forcefully. it felt so good to be held by him.
and all weekend it was almost like we were together again. but I couldn't let go completely. I couldn't give in to the feeling because at the end of it I knew sunday would come and he would take the train home and uncertainty would set back in.

we've been apart for almost as long as we were together.
puppy once asked me how shiny managed to make such an impression in such a short amount of time.
there are more reasons than I have time for answers.
I think I'd start the explanation with my mother. he was there when no one else was. then I'd follow that up with an examination of how he manages not to trigger any of my delicately balanced neuroses. there are things about him that seem to have been custom-formed for me. other things, not so much, but they're so minor they don't matter.
my mom said she liked him.
when she first got sick and I broke up with shiny, I didn't tell her what happened. I didn't want her to feel responsible.
so much has happened.
it felt so good to be back with him this weekend.
sometimes I think that if I can keep a careful distance, then he will come back to me. he is stubborn and has to figure things out on his own. because even if he's right for me, that doesn't mean I'm right for him.
but I want him, I want him, I want him so badly.

for the first time in a long time, it felt like he wanted me too.

hope
is terrifying
when you don't know where it will take you.

"cautiously optimistic."
I want to scream it out at nothing.