you don't know what to make of it

I wonder if he'll call me tonight. it's been days. couldn't say for sure. sometimes he texts me, but it's just not enough. and I told him. he apologizes so much now, but it hasn't changed his behavior.
back ache like I was taken apart and put back together wrong. the pieces don't mesh. there's a scraping between the parts, bulges where there weren't before. I have knots that won't go away. and it feels like my muscle has been replaced with something denser and less forgiving. I feel heavier from the pain.
when anu dug his knuckles into the hard parts, I felt nothing. "it will feel better in 20 minutes," he said. but it doesn't. it's just sore and aching and red. it feels red.
when chick rubbed my back and left me with my heating pad, I awoke feeling so much better. today, that didn't work. I wince to think what tomorrow will be like.
muscle spasms. maybe that's what my chest does sometimes. it can't be massaged away. nothing breaks these knots apart. I'm not sure what to do.
ibuprofen every 6 hours. a heating pad. carry less on my back. how am I supposed to do that?
I wonder if he still loves me.
all this weight, all this weight.
I don't know what to do.