quoting myself

there are a lot of things I'd like to talk about. the physical pain, emotional pain, mental pain. I get so sick of all the pain. I am so sick of this year. but january 1 is only symbolic. it doesn't really mean anything. just a measurement of time.
I want to believe that there will be some end to the ridiculousness that is my life. an end that doesn't require me ending it. I want to believe that I'll be able to talk about my mom to someone some day. that I will find someone who loves me like I love them. that I will finish school and get a meaningful job. I will have a routine and it will be good for a while. I will have friends. I will make things. I will not have unreasonable financial burdens and my insurance will actually cover my medications.
I would like to go a year without tragedy. some year where things don't have to be stupifyingly amazing and everything's-going-my-way, but just where nothing overly bad happens. there are so many people out there that already have that. they don't even realize it. there are things I have that I don't think about, either. there are people that would gladly trade their trauma for my stupid life.
but, you know, this isn't about them.
I have dreams that I am scared to articulate. hopes I can't share in case my words break them. shiny called me tonight and it's a struggle not to start a "real" conversation with him. you know, about feelings.
I wrote him a long email a few days ago. he never replied, but I keep hearing from him like nothing happened. like I wasn't trying to turn his head inside out. like I wasn't trying to make him run away.
of course, the reason I don't talk about feeling is because I don't want to scare him off. I feel like I'm holding paper thin ice and it's a race to see which happens first: the breaking or the melting.
if I could find someone to run to, I would.
if I could leave him, I would do it in a heart beat.
but you don't understand. I can't let him go, and no one that I want wants me. he was with me in the hospital when my mom was sick. he was with me when she died. on the weekends, for weeks afterwards, he held me at 2am when I randomly started sobbing. you can't understand that connection until you've felt it. I don't think he feels it. I felt it with ex-otter when dru died, even if ex-otter didn't feel it with me. or maybe it was because I reminded him of that death that he left.
I feel so mixed up all the time. I don't want my mom to be dead. I don't know how to accept it. I want to call her to say that I miss her, but she isn't there to call anymore. it's as simple as that.
so much depends on a telephone call. didn't you know that?
sure, shiny broke up with me. but he has never left me.