I feel like I should be upset or care more than I do that I haven't heard from him. Last night I sent him a text saying, "Meow? I don't think we're going to get back together, fyi. I just like being around you and cuddling. You're comforting. Goodnight." I wonder what he thought I meant by it. I wonder if he felt anything.
I suppose I'm coming to terms with things being over. He doesn't want me. I saw that this past weekend. There was a distance there, a wall between us. It's a barrier he created. I wonder if he used to lie to me when he said that he was excited about me. I wonder if he just made himself believe those things because he thought that he should. I wonder what he was thinking.
I think the problem is that he didn't think. Once he did, he knew he had to leave. And he hasn't thought again since. Not much, anyway.
I miss a lot of things about him, sure. I miss a lot of things about a lot of people, but here I am, continuing on. I had such a good time with him. Why couldn't it have lasted?
Maybe I'll find someone someday. Maybe I won't. I don't feel much for anyone these days. I don't feel much at all.
This summer, a part of me went away. I don't think it's ever coming back. This year has systematically dismantled me. From the PID to Pants to finally falling in love to my mom dying to losing that love and now finally to pneumonia. and through it all, feeling that I'm gradually losing everyone. I'm closer to my sister now. Further from my brother. I feel so much older. Sadder. Beaten down, in a deeper, more lasting way than ever before.
Everything hurts. And nothing touches me.
I just want this to be over.
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