I'm not wracked with worries. not consciously, at least. sure, I have them. money (always money, doesn't matter how much I have, I'm always worried about it), finding roommates, my health, my back, getting my meds, my attitude, how much I've changed since my mom died (and how it hasn't all been for the better), my brother's increasing emotional distance from me and how much it sucks, shiny ... of course.
and there's food and my bike and my cat and my room and my apartment and and and and and...
a lot of things. people things. normal things. things that will work out, or won't, but it will pass at some point. right?
no, that's not what's keeping me up.
want to know what is? of course you do. you're reading this journal. if you didn't want to know shit like this, you wouldn't keep reading. who are you, anyway? I can see everyone's location and IP address so I can already infer who you are. why not just tell me?
I'm currently being kept up by the thought of making stencils so I can make shirts with words on them. I want to have squares of stencils and keep the cut outs so I can do two layers of letters. One of the outline, one of the inside (inside? whatever, it's past 1am, leave me alone). The shirt that I want to make first would say "I WON'T REMEMBER YOU" because that will at least kill the expectation people have of my memory. I will use mylar, and make squares of letters about 3" high. I will make multiples of some letters. It will be great. So I've been thinking about the logistics of that. How it would look. How to make the stencils work (negative space in the O .. I generally put a break in the O so that the center piece will stay in for the stencil. but when it's cut out, I'll need to tape the breaks back together. same with the A, etc). The process of making them, and then making the shirts. that sort of thing.
and yes, that is consuming my brain.
Of course, that came on the end of a train of thought that was leaping from track to track faster than I could follow. I won't even try to explain it.
trying to have a serious conversation with shiny is like trying to get a cat to do something. sometimes they do it, but only if THEY want to. and it has very little to do with you.
so I told him "stop using silliness as a way to avoid thinking or talking about real things." And now I'm thinking that this is a race to see whether he'll relent or I'll crack and stop caring.
he doesn't deny these observations I make. he agrees that he does these things. sometimes he tries to change. does it happen? I don't know.
my sister says he reminds her too much of our brother. I understand what she means. but at least shiny is trying to change. and he doesn't resent people.
I guess she just doesn't want me saddled to someone who will, ultimately, never make me happy. but I think he could. if he wanted to.
cats again.
oh, my stupid, noisy, smart, over-thinking, over-analyzing brain. please just shut up and let me sleep. there are things I have to do in the morning.
like get back to reality.
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