who fixes the tinker?

Could I run out of sadness for a while?
Can I be complete and single?
These are not new things for me; I remember them from years ago. Nine years ago, before I met ex-husband. Nine years ago, when I felt strong in my solitude. Nine years ago. Am I even remembering correctly?
Yesterday was a landmark day for me. It was the ten year anniversary of my suicide attempt. Most years I read old journal entries to see where I was each year. This year I didn't do that. This year I focused more on it being my mom's birthday than I did on what else it signifies. Another year of life. I got some support from friends. That's all I can ask for, right? It is enough. I barely cried.
This is what I've been working towards. I survived it on my own, physically. I didn't have anyone to call and cry to. I didn't have anyone to lean on. There was only me, and some text, and people saying how their life has been enriched by my living.
I get so tired of making myself feel sad. I feel a pressure on the back of my skull. The side of my brain. There are these feelings that want me to hurt. I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to be dark and sad and angry. I want to be content. Can I be content?
Most of all, I want to not want.
Just let me be. Can I survive?
Let me be, and find out on my own.