laminating lamentation -- let's make it last forever

Today I sat in my social work class and listened to the people around me discuss addiction.
Today I sat in my social work class and fought back tears.
Today I missed the people in my life that have been addicts. That have been directly affected by addiction. I have been affected. Effected. There is an effect. It effects a change.
Today I hated ex-otter.
Today I missed Pants.
Yeah. Like that's anything new.

One week from today and it will be a year since I let ex-otter break me. A year since a big part of me died. If I could meet the me from one year ago, what would I think of myself? If we could meet, how would we react to each other?

and these are the things that break me.
and these are the things that hurt.
last night I closed my bedroom door and sobbed to no one.
every night lately I've been crying over nothing.
shut them out.
shut me in.
more and more I begin to understand why people leave me.
and I hate myself.
and I hate other people.
and I hate these situations.
I hate and hate and hate and then I cry because of all the people that aren't around anymore. all the people that left me and the people that I left.

Pants.
What the fuck.
I just wanted to know you, and have you know me.

How did things get so twisted?