Beard and I have been hanging out. He was my sanctuary last night from a rowdy house. I slept on his couch with two cats and when I woke in the morning he gave me tea. I still want him. But I don't show it anymore. Not consciously, at least.
I slept on his couch wearing a t-shirt, boxer briefs, and thigh-high socks held up by a garter belt. I think he wants me too but can't let himself have me. I think he's hung up on his ex. I think this is ok because now we get to just hang out and see what happens. No expectations. Just friends.
I have to remember not to lean on him too much. I have to remember my other friends, too. I get caught up so easily in just one person. I need to remember to see others. I need to realize my friends are wide-spread and each contributes to my point of view. I need to keep myself well-rounded. I need diversity.
Last night I called my dad. We talked for an hour. I'm not sure if we've ever talked that long about anything real. By real I mean "relevant" and "interesting" and "insightful." For once I think it's ok that I tend to date people similar to my dad, because I finally got to see who my dad is. I grew up with him in throes of PTSD. He was diagnosed 10 years ago. A severe case, from Viet Nam. Throughout my childhood, my mom warned my siblings and I against ever waking him or startling him. I don't remember him freaking out much, but he probably did. I don't remember ever tapping him on the shoulder. Is this why I tend to let my voice alert people first? Is it from my dad and from growing up with horses? I don't know. Talk first, approach, keep a distance, reach out, connect. But once I know someone, I tackle first and talk later. Where did that come from?
My dad remembers things differently. His vision is a little clearer now, but you can't undo thoughts from twenty years ago. He says it's good I'm self-aware, that it's powerful. It is something he's recently gained. His wife doesn't let him put up a shell. She cracks through it. I wonder if I could do that with Pants? The problem is that first he has to let me get close enough.
I saw him yesterday, by chance. He came over and we talked in the stairway. There is a wall all around him. A few days ago I texted him to say, "you are a brick wall built around a soap bubble." He is so fragile within. I can feel it. He's so fragile that he's terrified if anyone breaks through then he will be lost. He'll just pop. He doesn't see it that way, but I can feel it. His eyes are hard.
I miss having sex with him because that was the only time he would let down his guard.
I am unsure of what I'm doing. Mostly I feel fine. I feel better than I did before. I'm not sure if this is unhealthy. If I'm not certain, does that ensure that it is?
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