when are I

I keep feeling like I'm looking for someone to miss. I'm looking for someone to feel sad about. I'm looking for a reason to cry.
Why?
When I heard from ex-otter, it felt like the bond between us hardened and finally snapped. The truth was in the air, the oxygen caused a reaction, the barb rusted and broke. I'm still pulling strands from the hole, but the final status is this: he is gone.
Yes, I ache and am empty, but it's a cleaner wound now. I think it can heal. The dirt and debris, shrapnel and shards have all been cleansed from the blood. My body can perform its function. My skin can knit; my muscles regrow.
This almost a year after the fact.
That bullshit people say about how it takes half the time the relationship lasted for you to get over someone is just that: bullshit. We were together for 18 months. It's taken me 11 to feel like I might have my footing. I'm leaving room for doubt. After all, I haven't seen him since February. I have no idea what face-to-face will be. I figure it will knock me back a few steps, but until then I am closer to alright.
I don't want to miss someone just because I'm used to it. I don't want to make myself blow things up bigger than they are. The situation is already stretched thin enough.
I don't want to pile emotion on Pants just because I'm used to feeling it for someone. How much of what I feel is genuine, and how much is habit? I don't know. I thought I'd be scared to find out, but I'm not. Not as much as I used to be, at least.
How much of me is me and how much is who I used to be?
How much of him is him and how much is what I remember?
How much of him is him and how much is what I want him to be?