I'm essentially a lazy person

last night I dreamed my sister died in a car crash. but later on, I realized it was just a dream (a dream in a dream, how poetic). maybe that's my wish for my mom's death.
I remember, after ex-otter left me, I spent months in a daze. I kept thinking I would wake up and it would be october again, and dru would be alive, and ex-otter and I would still be together. nothing felt real. I remember a classmate, in the last week of school, finally convincing me to get high with her, and I spent most of the time crying because I missed ex-otter. she and I haven't talked since. that's probably just coincidence.

last night I dreamed that my teeth were falling out. but they weren't rotten, or merely loose. they were my baby teeth, and making way for new, stronger teeth. so maybe that's what I'm doing too. but one of the teeth got stuck on some skin in my mouth, and it wouldn't come out cleanly. so there's always a catch. it's never entirely easy. some of the teeth crumbled, but I still got most of the pieces out. what I couldn't remove, the new teeth would push out.
maybe I dreamed about that because I was talking about dentistry with a friend, or maybe it's because I've been thinking about getting older. maybe it's because I've been stressed (when am I not?), and I'm about to make some changes in my life. maybe it's because I've gained some weight (no more than in the past) and now I'm a little more self-conscious about my appearance. Maybe it's all of these things. but in my dreams, the teeth coming out is almost always a relief. so that is something.

last night I dreamed that I hung out with the person that's supposed to be moving in. I dreamed that he was skeevy and I didn't trust him. I dreamed of an apartment with two floors, and a boyfriend who let people walk all over him, and a group of people who decided to have a party in our apartment. I dreamt I was angry and felt unsafe and just wanted people to leave. there was somewhere I wanted to go. I didn't want these strangers in my house to steal my stuff. I didn't want them there at all.
So what does that mean?

last night, so many dreams. family and friends and weirdness and the crushingly mundane. school. riding a donkey. getting lost. missing class. pulling teeth. finding out a crush is married. how to reconcile? I can't be attracted to the attached.

When I was dreaming of my teeth, I asked my mom if I shouldn't have lost my baby teeth a long time ago. she shows up like that. on the periphery. like she was to me in the years before she died. there to answer my questions. there when I called.

I wish I'd treated her differently. I wish I'd touched her more. I wish I'd asked better questions. I've never really known how to act around people. I guess because it always felt like acting.
last night, all those dreams. and when I wake up, I'm still in the same place where I fell asleep.
mostly I wish I could be someone else's dream.
it would be so much less work than being the dreamer.