and I am not sad.
I feel content with this thing that I cannot touch. I feel content in my distance and this frequent contemplation.
we are two opposites, we are attracted to each other's eccentricities. our similarities bind us but our differences keep us coming back. I like how excited he gets about me. I like how excited I get him. and I like that he follows me.
it always bothered me that the person I was dating had direct access to my head and heart via these journals I keep, but never used them. the people now that read them, they say that the things I write about are too personal for them to discuss with me. how can you read these thoughts and then not want to talk about them?
we meander. we dance around subjects. our methods of communication vary, and the level of disclosure differs between each one.
I worry that my romanticism and his inexperience will doom us. I worry about a lot of things. the spring is making my skin itch and my awareness prickle.
I saw my therapist yesterday. it had been three weeks. I told her toward the end of the session that I haven't been taking my medication because I ran out. that I tried to be responsible but it didn't work out that way. that I wanted to see what would happen. it's not that I want to stay off meds, it's that right now I feel ok because of the spring and because of my current state of affairs. I see my psychiatrist on friday, the same day that Fig is showing up. I'm nervous, not so much about seeing him, but about transportation stuff. riding a bike is fine when you're solo, but it makes having visitors a little difficult.
I hadn't told anyone that I haven't been taking my medication. usually it's something I mention, at least here. I am not off them completely, I've just been taking them infrequently. trying to stretch them out. I kind of want to start over. winter was hard. winter was so fucking hard. and I resent so many people because of that.
and I resent that resentment.
this is new, this is old, this is ... some messy mix of the two. I feel young, I feel old, I just feel like I am where I am.
there are so many contradictions in my life, even though I work so hard to smooth them out. I want to be ok with the fact that I basically lead a straight romantic life, even though I am still similarly attracted to women. It feels like I'm cheating myself by primarily dating men, but I'm not seeking them out. it's just how things go. months ago I changed my dating profile on okcupid so that I was only looking for women. Von remains one of the only exes I have that I don't carry some kind of animosity for.
I don't know where I'm going with this. I guess I'm just confused and I don't want people to think that I'm straight, and I don't want to be ordinary. I don't want to feel like I'm letting people down. I don't want Von to feel like she was just a phase for me, because she wasn't. I am still as attracted to women as I have ever been. but situations present themselves, and I am not one to deny someone based solely on gender.
maybe I worry too much about what people think of me.
even when I have no idea what it is that they are thinking.
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