simplicity without remorse

my ipod had it out for me tonight while I was painting. it kept playing sexy song after sexy song while I tried to concentrate on whether the color on my masonite was neutral enough or not. I found myself squirming on my stool, paintbrush in one hand, while the music creeped over my body. I cursed it and my lack of a sex partner. I cursed it and the combination of nice weather and the hormonal influx that PMS brings.
it's been a while since Spring felt like anything to me. well, it's been a while that I can remember. maybe it was only a year ago. but I wear blinders when I'm with someone, and this time last year I was with shiny. the year before that I was desperately heart-broken. the year before that? ex-otter. and on and on, back to when I was 20. ten years since the last time Spring felt worthwhile.
or at least that I can remember.
maybe I wrote about it. I don't feel like checking. that's a lot to climb through, and it's not that important.
I just want to be excited about things again. a new friend told me that I'd lost my enthusiasm, that he could tell it used to be there. he could hear it in my laugh. the word I would use was "passion," but his phrasing works too. a lot has happened to squeeze it out of me. it gets to the point that life feels grey and the bursts of color amaze me. but I've stopped looking for the color. I let it find me now. I used to make my own color, I think. even though I've always been sad.
it used to be a different kind of sad.
things change, people change, people leave, people die, nothing stays the same.
the Spring is coming, and I wish it could always be that way. that sense of standing on the edge of hope. just a nudge could send me careening either way. but over all, things have been improving. I'm trying. and I'm trying not to be quite so hard on myself. I'm working against a lifetime of conditioning, though.
things help. like family, and friends, and my cat. seriously. I love it when she sighs. it makes my chest feel like it's going to explode, but in the best of ways. maybe someday I'll get to feel that for a person that can return the sentiment.
how many times have I found peace in watching someone breathe?
at least once for every person I have loved.