look.

another dream about shiny. I'll have to stop writing about them, because I think bringing attention to it only makes them multiply. last night I dreamed that I was living in the house where I grew up (or visiting? hard to say) and he came by on a tractor with a power-washer, there to blast the dirt off cars by order of the government. his hair was a washed-out blue (ie grey or green) on the tips, and he was growing a beard-no-mustache. I was shocked. "I thought you hated facial hair!" he shrugged. he offered no excuse. he told me that he'd moved back to california for a while because he'd become so poor. he'd since returned to boston, but lived in a different apartment than before. he was surprised that I didn't know. "who would have told me?" I asked. his roommates and I make it a point not to mention his name.
while he was outside, I started thinking about the letter I wrote him. maybe he never got it, since he had moved a few times. maybe he still loved me. he'd changed his appearance, maybe the rest of him was changing too.
so I asked him if he got my letter. he had. crash crash went my hopes again. and I can't remember how the dream ended, or what else happened, just that he had changed his appearance but not the way he felt about me. but he seemed touched by me but still left. and in my dream, I missed him.
I don't miss him that much when I'm awake anymore. I remember how hard it was to get him to talk about anything. I remember how dispassionate he seemed about most things. and the most telling thing, I can't forget his silence. his silence that has stretched now for four months. in my dream it had been much longer. my therapist taught me to take silence as an answer. I have been steadily killing my persistence. it's hard. but I'm doing it.
these dreams are the last-ditch effort of my psyche to hold onto something that used to comfort me. this happens. it has happened before. it will happen again. it happens more strongly when I start to get close to someone new. maybe it's my brain trying to remind me of the last person that hurt me? I don't know.
I have said it so many times... someday I'll find a love that doesn't hurt.