last night: dreamed about shiny telling me he wants to get back together. dreamed he wrote me a letter and explained it. dreamed he came over and he was different than he used to be. he was happy. he wanted to be with me. he wanted. I guess that's the kind of dream I get, so vivid and aching, for me just repressing all my thoughts of him lately.
dreams of a desired reconciliation? and I dreamed I was in a car with ex-otter and deafgirl and I mouthed the words "I hate you" to her. she made a shocked face and when she turned around to talk to me, I hunched down in my seat and said I didn't want to talk. no one else had seen the shapes my lips made. no one else saw what she did.
dreams of getting something back, but improved. that's never happened for me and I don't think it will now. every time I find myself thinking of shiny, I drown the thought. so it surfaced when I couldn't push it down anymore. I wondered if I'd hear from him or ex-otter on my birthday. I didn't. but my brother wrote.
can't remember the last time he did that. he didn't reply to my response, but at least he wrote to me at all.
I don't know how to kill hope. I don't know why I feel like shit today, or why I'm missing spanish class again. I don't know why it's been so hard for me to do anything. yesterday I felt fantastic and I thought, "why not just feel like this every day?" because I can't maintain that high. because people don't call me or text me every day. because 50+ people don't write to me every day to say they are glad I'm alive. because that isn't normal. it isn't normal for anyone. and I forgot to take my medication all weekend, but I felt fantastic. so today I crashed.
what do I need? more sleep. friends around here that are dependable, creative, fun, and outgoing. more time to relax. better focus. something to look forward to.
ugh.
I need a better distraction.
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