a note

I know that I have said this before, but I want to mention it again. I want to talk about how severely I was changed by ex-otter. I want to talk about how much my mother's death has changed me. not necessarily the act, but by all that has followed. and I think these two things, the reason they have had such an impact on me and the reason that I associate them with each other, is because I had to figure out how to be alone. I had to be alone with myself and it wasn't necessarily by my choice initially but it became that way.
my trust issues started a long time ago. I have learned that there is no such thing as a 100% trustworthy person. there is no one that exists that will not hurt me or do something that is entirely self-centered without thought of its impact on those close to them. including me.
so it's been a rough adulthood for me. I have loved and lost so many times. and even the good times weren't that great. it's been a lot of waiting and a lot of crying and a lot of depending on other people for my happiness. I don't know where I learned this. my therapist said I have a history of falling for emotionally unavailable men, and for people that are poor communicators. for people that don't let themselves feel. but I told her, I told her, I told her that this time it's someone that is actually working on his issues. but he lives over a thousand miles away.
so I will still be alone physically.
it's the emotional stuff that's always affected me the most.
I talk like I know what's happening. like I know how things will turn out. but there is no knowing, like there is no way to plan for love.
I'm tired now, but still with more to say.
I just don't know how to say it yet.