lacking motivation

curled up inside myself. found chat logs from over a year ago, when shiny and I were first falling all over each other. and I wonder what happened to him. and I wonder why it still hurts so goddamn much.
it doesn't hurt, it aches. it's a fresh scar that throbs when the rain comes. it's too many memories that play back over and over at random times. I still look for any sign of him. there is none. there is no one.
I hold onto these feelings because I don't feel much anymore. he was the last thing I felt passionate about. I make masks and art as a way to distract myself. I have a show coming up in less than a week. I'm going to be 30 a week from tomorrow. the age isn't a big deal. it's just another year gone by.
when I used to lay in bed at night, I would think about him. and before then, I would think about Pants. before then, ex-otter. before that, von. buttercup. ex-husband. various other partners. there's always been someone. I'm trying to clear out my head but when I get rid of those desires, it feels like there's nothing left. I don't know what to think about. tasks. stresses. school. throughout my life, who I love has always been the most important thing to me. it sounds fucked up, but what can I say? I'm a romantic.
my passion has always been people. it seems strange that I keep myself so separate from them now.
not that strange, actually. I realized that the bulk of the important people in my life that I have lost happened in the grieving period after ex-otter left me. I fucked up a lot and people walked. troy would say that means they weren't good friends. troy over-simplifies. they were some of the best friends. but things were strained anyway, and my inability to see beyond my own grief just exacerbated things.
I want reasons. I want logic. I believe there are reasons. I need that kind of sanity.
I don't know how much I really miss shiny. he was very sweet and open at first, then closed up. I know that I miss feeling adored and wanted and special. I really miss feeling special. I miss being in love. I miss passion. but these losses breed desperation and that is terrifying to people. I still have stupidly rigid standards, luckily. otherwise I'd be a much worse mess.
I know I should delete the chat logs. otherwise I'll just keep reading through them, and they're all over a year old, and I'm not that person anymore, and neither is he. I want to stop falling for emotionally unavailable men who aren't self-aware and don't share and won't ask for things.
and women still scare me. go figure.
there is more to me than who I love. I just feel so alone. I know that I'm not, that there are people who care, etc etc, but I don't have anyone to talk to about this stuff. no one that won't try to give me advice. I am doing what I can. it's just not enough.