all this, all the time

when shiny and I were first together, I spent a lot of time online so that I could talk to him. constantly. I neglected the real world for the sake of being around him. since I couldn't do it in person, due to the distance, I did it online. it wasn't healthy. I knew it wasn't. but I liked feeling desired and I liked that someone that I thought was so amazing thought I was pretty awesome, too. in time, he faded, and stopped being so responsive. my passion didn't wane, but his did.
and I have to remind myself that people change.
he is not the person he was a year ago.
neither am I.

to think about the way things were is self-defeating. to think about how he used to be is self-defeating. to think about him is self-defeating. even to write these entries is self-defeating. it just reminds me of a past I thought would be my future, but died. it died.
and I make myself sad. and I make myself remember things I'd be better off forgetting. I might hold onto these feelings just so I feel something. but maybe being empty is better. it's more honest. what I'm doing now is like eating when you're not hungry. it's a habit. my sadness is habit.
I want the spring to come.
I want to push these memories from me. they serve no purpose but to hold me back. hold me back from what? from moving on. moving on to what? I don't know. a lack of attachment would be nice.