I miss things

a little more bitter, a little more sweet. add lemon. add maple syrup. whiskey and tea. mix it. drink it. but it doesn't fucking matter.
I've needed so badly to get out of my head. so badly. and I haven't been able to figure out why the art doesn't work any more. then tonight I realized that it's because I lost my passion. all my life it is what has sustained me. now it's gone and without it I have nothing.
not have nothing. am nothing. I don't know who I am now.
haven't known for a while.
don't know what to say anymore. the words were all there just a minute ago.
too much sweetness. too much. the whiskey helps fog me, but it doesn't take away the melancholy. the loneliness causes that.
drinking doesn't take that away.
but if I drink enough, I don't care.
usually I keep myself from getting to this position because I know it will be bad for me the next day or so.
look, I've been drinking. I'm sad. not as sad or despondent as I've been in the past, but still there. sad. I miss people but I don't miss myself too much. I just miss the passion I used to have. but isn't this where I wanted to be, anyway?
didn't I want to be more consistent?